“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
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Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
This is the one
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘