John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
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marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!