John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
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If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.