JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
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[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Me when someone tries to get to know me
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Dear Lord..
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.