John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
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Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
mood
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.