John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
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Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Breaking news:
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days