John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
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Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes