John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
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90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day