John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
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“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.