John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
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I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I have many caverns
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich