John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
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Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!