Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
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If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
🙂🐾
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.