johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
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He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.