Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
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The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Facebook marketplace is a different world
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?