Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
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Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3
*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.