@H0TMessBarbie

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

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@thatdentaldude

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

@TheRolo

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

@ch000ch

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

@notalogin

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

@samalmightysam

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

@ChristianPlante

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

@TrainedHedonist

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

@Gupton68

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

@jordan_stratton

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.