@Colleen1913

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

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@Loli_Sug

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

@whereami18

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

@LaLuchaNix

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

@tatsabrat

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

@HushJared

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

@Mardigroan

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

@averagegrades

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

@egg_dog

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

@bourgeoisalien

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell