@Loli_Sug Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
@Colleen1913 Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
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@Loli_Sug 
@whereami18 Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
@huntigula the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
@LaLuchaNix {Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
@tatsabrat My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
@HushJared Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
@Mardigroan It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
@averagegrades whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
@egg_dog don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
@bourgeoisalien very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell