Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
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Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?