Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
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Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
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Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭