@longwall26 I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
@STRIKINGxVIKING Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
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@longwall26 
@junejuly12 Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
@FBSisnothere For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
@GrantTanaka “I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
@crunchenhanced Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
@p_net Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
@GrowlyGrego “Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
@junejuly12 Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
@david8hughes Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
@HeresCunty I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box