Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

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I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.


Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.


For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?


“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate


Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?


Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?


“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.


Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!


Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.


I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box