Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
You Might Also Like
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*