Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
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I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.