Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
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If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
The three genders
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.