Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
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i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”