[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

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Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol


Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.


Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.


“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season


There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.


[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}


“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds


It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.


My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.