[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
You Might Also Like
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.