@eleniZarro

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

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@stevevsninjas

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

@DanielAda1960

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

@AndyAsAdjective

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

@tmckenna1

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

@CherBear162

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

@Skoog

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

@iAmJuddy

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

@Jake_Vig

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

@amishschool

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.