Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

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Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.


{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*


In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.


HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done


I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”


I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.


Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”