@Hormonella Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
@StinkyGr33n Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
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@Hormonella 
@Megatronic13 {job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
@nevernicethings Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
@ADDiane I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
@CUTEFUNNYANIMAL 
@valerie_tosi In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
@PleaseBeGneiss HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
@Marlebean I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
@KenJennings I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
@Ahm76 Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”