Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
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For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I unironically love this joke.