Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
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Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
This is always good for a laugh.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.