@laurab3

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

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@ddsmidt

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

@thejamietighe

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

@Jenny4ashley

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

@twayne1010

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

@mattZillaaaa

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

@WorkingMom86

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

@CulturedRuffian

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic