Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
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You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.