Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
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Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
awkward
I’m more of a homeless romantic.