Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
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Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.