Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
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me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
he’s doing your taxes
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery