JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
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“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?