Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
You Might Also Like
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
SCARY COSTUME
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.