Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
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I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
new record!