Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
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Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.