Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
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Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.