@panmidwest

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

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@VerbsRProudest

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

@DanMentos

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

@deloisivete

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

@abbycohenwl

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@SortaBad

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

@rainerfm

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

@maughammom

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

@CarpeDeann

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!