JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
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Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office