@psybermonkey

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

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@iLikeCatShirts

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

@ahamedweinberg

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

@UncleDuke1969

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

@Contwixt

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

@HenpeckedHal

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

@KimmyMonte

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

@avxlanche

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

@VodkaTiem

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.