JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
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The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Not😆🤣
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND