Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
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Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.