Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
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From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 馃槶
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn鈥檛 keep their room clean.
6: 馃槼
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It鈥檚 better than the truth!
serial killer: you鈥檙e in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you鈥檙e gonna let me live
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she鈥檚 now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I鈥檝e done.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn鈥檛 just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it鈥檚 definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk