judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
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[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Me trying to look natural in photos
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.