Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
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Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I’ll be mad as hell!
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome