judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
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Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.