Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
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I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed