JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
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Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
who will stop them
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.