judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
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Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[shakes fist at other fist]
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.