*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
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Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.