Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
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In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!