*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
You Might Also Like
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”