judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
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When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns