judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
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In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father