judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
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her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
good for her
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there